Lumy (luminations) wrote,

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Just babbling to myself. Because it's after 12:00 on Monday and I still don't feel like working. Heh.

I used to at least hear whispers from my muse, and just didn't always have time to put pen to paper - or fingers to keyboard - and flesh out the ideas. Lately I'm not even hearing the whispers. I've not been in a writing mood, and not even in as much of an RPing mood as I usually am. Yet I WANT to write. Why? I mean, who cares? If I'm not getting any ideas, screw it. It's not like I have a class I have to write for.

I noticed the last thing I posted in here was before I got inundated with people usurping my alone time. I'm sure that's partially to blame for my lack of completed fics. But shouldn't the ideas themselves still be coming to me?

I fail at writing long stories. Maybe if I come up with an idea that lends itself to a longer story, I could focus on its chapters and I wouldn't be stuck due to not getting any good ideas.

I do want to keep writing for swficchallenge though. I enjoy reading the stories there. And they're not perfect - many of them contain grammatical errors or typos, but no one cares enough to flame anyone.

Sometimes reading other fics inspires me, and sometimes I find it depressing - like they're casting a light on my own failure to write. I'm just a writer who doesn't write, a painter who doesn't paint. I don't want to be that way. Yet, I also kind of like half-assing things in a way, because it seems more justified then if I suck. "Oh, I just dabble in it, I'm really no good" - I could say that about a great many things.

And the truth is, when I'm not good at something, I stop doing it. My attitude sucks. I've been working on the SAME DAMN PAINTING since 1999. I shouldn't say "working" because I don't think I even touched it this year or last year, and maybe only worked on it once the year before that. And now when I look at it I cringe and remember how frustrated I was the last time I worked on it, because the evidence of my failure is strewn across the canvas. I should just throw it away. Or... should I keep working on it? Start something new? Wait 'til I retire and have more time? Yeah, that's still 35 years away if not longer.

I think it's a common thing for people to start things and not finish them. I hear people lament it all the time. But for all my half-assery, I actually don't like leaving things unfinished. It bothers me. I want a black and white resolution: finish it or scrap it.

Okay, so it can't bother me TOO much or I would have thrown away that painting long ago. But now that I'm thinking about it, it bothers me a great deal.

I don't know what I mean, I guess. I'm babbling. Forgive me.

I was nervous about posting fics at first. I still get nervous but I've accepted that it's okay to post imperfect things, and that not everyone is going to like everything. (duh) I don't always need to include a disclaimer saying "I'm not entirely happy with this" to cover my ass if someone thinks it sucks. Who cares? I don't care nearly as much about what people think of me as I used to.

I don't regret dropping out of school. I do regret not recognizing that I don't have it in me to make it in a creative field, and thus using my education to get some kind of degree in finance or business. Instead I just followed the path others laid for me, and hated myself fiercely when I failed. I had a breakdown once in the class I despised most. Oh how embarrassing that was! But that's neither here nor there.

Um... what was my point again? Oh yeah. I want to write. And I've not been writing. That's pretty much it. Heh.

Okay, I guess I'll do some work now. I've more than made up for the fact that the office closed early on Friday but I START earlier than everyone else so I got screwed. (I should have only felt entitled to slack for an hour for this)
Tags: babble, star wars
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