Fandom: Star Wars
Prompt: swficchallenge's #2010-09: Word List 1. Originally posted here.
Word Count: 903
Summary: Anakin and Palpatine find a kitty in need of help. (Yes, this is silly)
Author's Notes: We were given a list of 26 words (one for each letter of the alphabet) and the challenge was to incorporate as many of them as possible into a fic. I'm not going to list the words because I used ALL of them! Words from the list are in bold. I didn't think it was possible to do it without resorting to crack (at least, that's where my mind went first!), but caffeinatedkate proved me wrong with her response :) Anyway! Here, have some crack:
Anakin Skywalker and Chancellor Palpatine were strolling hand in hand through the lush gardens of Palpatine’s beautiful Nubian vacation home when a loud, high-pitched cry stopped them. Anakin looked around for the source.
“Is that a cat?” pondered Palpatine.
“I believe so,” Anakin answered. “A kitten, from the sound of it. It’s coming from… there! Look, in that tree!”
The Chancellor snorted. “Cats are not permitted on the grounds. How did it get past the guards?”
Anakin had to laugh at the question - and at how pompous Palpatine sounded. “Don’t you know anything about cats? They don’t listen to anyone!”
“Anakin, what are you doing? I’ll have a guard remove it.”
But the zealous young Jedi Knight didn’t listen either. Shooting a defiant glare back at Palpatine, he shrugged off his cloak and began to climb up the tree quickly, opting not to Force-jump. “I’m not going to remove him, I’m going to rescue him,” he clarified calmly. “It’s a feline, not a pest.”
“Whatever,” grumbled the Chancellor. “Can you make it stop screeching so? It’s louder than a siren.”
“Come here, kitty, and I’ll get you down safely,” Anakin cooed as he reached the branch the kitten clung to. He edged closer, and the kitten hissed. “Hey, now, is that any way to talk to someone who’s trying to help you?”
The kitten growled and backed away further.
“I don’t get it,” said Anakin, frowning. “I’m usually good with animals. The calming Force vibes don’t seem to have any effect on this one.”
Now Palpatine was amused. He moved closer to better observe this folly. “Why don’t you just grab it?”
“No, he has to trust me. I don’t wanna grapple with him and make him fall off. Even if I can break his fall with the Force, that would be really scary for him, you know?” Anakin continued his negotiation efforts, and the kitten continued to retreat from his outstretched hand.
Palpatine rolled his eyes. “It’s a cat, Anakin, not a human being!”
“I don’t share your xenophobia, Chancellor. Every life in the universe is precious. --Well… except Sandpeople’s,” he added quietly. “Come on, kitty, I’m not gonna hurt you. Come here and let me help you. Please? Here, kitty kitty…”
The older man watched the young warrior demean himself and he began to grow more annoyed than amused. “How much time do you plan to waste up there? The beast obviously doesn’t like you. Perhaps it’s a Sith cat.”
Anakin snickered. “That’s your theory? A Sith cat. What a joke! I think I’d be able to tell if it was, assuming there really was such a thing!”
“Oh you would, would you?” Palpatine laughed heartily, the sound nearly a cackle. “How else do you explain its resistance to your charms, then?”
“I don’t know! Maybe he’s just hard to win over.” But Anakin was beginning to lose patience now. He leaned back and sighed, temporarily defeated.
“Come down here, Anakin, and I’ll get it down myself. Personally. No guards.”
“You?” Anakin snorted derisively. “No offense, but you’re a bit…”
“Effete?” supplied the Chancellor helpfully. “Trust me. I can do this.”
Anakin gracefully floated down to the ground, his boots making no sound upon impact. “And just how exactly do you plan on accomplishing this? You don’t need to martyr yourself. I mean, I suppose you’re safe enough if you wanna try because I’m here to guide you if you fall… but no! Remember how you got out of breath yesterday after we… what if all the exertion gives you a heart attack or something?” Anakin’s lighthearted skepticism gave way to concern. “Oh Force, now I’m imagining you dead, nothing but your legacy remaining… and me, bawling my eyes out on your catafalque, all ‘cause I was stupid enough to let you try to do what I could not—“
Palpatine silenced the verbose Jedi by reaching for his belt. As a surprised Anakin wondered why the Chancellor wished to undress him at this place and time, Palpatine seized Anakin’s lightsaber and ignited it. The Jedi could only watch agape as the Sith Lord hurled the lightsaber through the air, effectively severing the occupied branch so that it came crashing down, forcing the startled kitten to leap off of it.
The lightsaber did not continue its trajectory across the yard; instead, it boomeranged back to Palpatine, who calmly switched it off and handed it back to its owner. The kitten scampered away unharmed.
Anakin was utterly bewildered. “But you’re not…how could you…”
“Anyone can throw a lightsaber, my boy.”
“But you made it come back to you…”
The Chancellor smiled at Anakin grimly. “I apologize for my deception, Anakin. I’m probably not thinking clearly, revealing myself to you now – I could blame the insomnia I’ve suffered of late, I suppose, but... I must admit, it’s a relief to tell you the truth.”
“That you’re a Force user?! You’re not a Jedi so you must be a—“
“A boomerangist,” confessed Palpatine, looking quite sheepish. “Yes. It’s one of my many hidden talents.”
Anakin blinked. A boomerangist? He didn't particularly think of Palpatine as ever having been the athletic type, but... well, it made more sense than the alternative! Relieved, Anakin pulled the Chancellor into his arms for a sweet kiss... followed by a wicked smile. "How 'bout I show you some of my hidden talents..."
The boomerangist matched his wicked smile.