Lumy (luminations) wrote,
Lumy
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"Uncertainty" Chapter 13: "A Good Fit" (13/46)

Title: "Uncertainty" Chapter 13: "A Good Fit" (13/46)
Fandom: The Last of Us
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage [please see A/N of doom in Chapter 1!]
Word Count for this chapter: 6248
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

A/N: I know, I know, I'm supposed to switch to Ellie POV here if I follow my own MO for scenes like this, but see, when I wrote the "zero draft" of the previous chapter and this one, they were one and the same. I realized that by the time I was done with revisions, it would be way too long for one chapter, so I left a placeholder chapter and figured out how to divide it up later... and since I'd already written so much for Joel, I didn't want to take that away from him :) Thus, we have the fourth Joel chapter in a row. I just checked the rest of the fic, and from here on out, I have no more than TWO consecutive chapters for either of them. And in the end, it works out equally.

I hope you all enjoy the chapter!
(... lol, owlofnevermore, you do get a pass on this one -- to my knowledge, you are the only reader I have here on LJ, but I'm leaving the note as is :D)


* * * * * * * *

Now that he'd touched her a bit and nothing grievous had happened -- the sky hadn't fallen, he hadn't found himself transported to the realm of hell reserved for child molesters, etcetera -- Joel proceeded with a little more confidence. He decided he needed to find out if Ellie's right breast could possibly be as sweet as her left. He kissed his way down there, and again she pressed herself into him, her leg drawing them closer together. At this angle, her torso was twisted a little, as she needed to be more on her back than her side to allow him access.

His tongue toyed with her nipple while his hand roamed down her other side, then he shifted up so he could kiss her lips again. She rolled toward him to lay on her side again as they kissed.

"Still doin' good?" he just had to ask.

She leaned her forehead against his. "Yessssss..."

"Jus' makin' sure."

"But... um..."

"...um?"

"What am I supposed to be doing when you--"

"Ssshhh. Relax." He caressed her cheek and looked into those innocent green eyes... yes, still innocent. "That's all."

"No, really."

"Really. Jus' lay back... don' think about anythin'."

"Can I at least... touch your shoulders, or your hair, or... whatever I can reach..." She lightly drummed her fingertips along his jaw to his chin, and he smiled a little; he always loved it when she touched his face.

"If you want to. Sure. But don' worry about it, all right?" He coaxed her on to her back and kissed her while his hand resumed its wandering. Curious to see if she would move it again to where she wanted it, he traced the elastic of her panties with his fingertips, and she arched her back, just a little. Involuntarily? he wondered. Her legs were... stiff. He knew the back-arching thing was good, but the rest of her just didn't seem... "Relax," he repeated, whispering into her lips. "I ain't gonna just..."

"I am relaxed!"

"All right..." He didn't think she was, all that much... but if he harped on it, maybe she'd start feeling like she was Doing It Wrong. He knew it wasn't the easiest thing in the world to be excited yet relaxed at the same time. ...at least, he was pretty sure it was excitement keeping her a bit on edge. She would've taken the out if she really didn't want to continue, he reminded himself. It was his job to relax her. Like by kissing her neck the way she liked, maybe cooling it on the deeper kisses somewhat... maybe caress less erotic places on her body for a few minutes.

Or... maybe just a few moments. He couldn't help teasing her a little bit by dancing his hand every which way down there except for a direct hit, and she made a little noise under her breath that could have been a moan. Still, she didn't move his hand, or ask him to touch her.

His touch was a little firmer up above... he massaged her breast, and she seemed to like it... "Your heart's beatin' real fast," he noted. He was certain now that it was due to pleasurable anticipation and not apprehension, but he feigned uncertainty. Because I'm a dick like that. ...and sometimes it's just fun to hear what comes out of that sweet little mouth of hers. "You sure you're all right? Am I goin' too fast?"

"I'm fiiine," she said, with less exasperation than he'd expected. She rolled back on to her side to face him and laced her fingers with his, moving their hands idly while she spoke. "Really, truly, totally fine. Like so incredibly fucking fine that you don't have to worry about-- anything. You're not going too fast. I mean, you haven't even... you can go faster, actually."

Joel could imagine how sexy she would be with a little more confidence. It was an exciting thought, and he was a little too damn excited already. Besides, he also wanted to enjoy her innocence. For the time being, he didn't even care that the way he was enjoying it now was creepy as fuck. Plenty of time to beat myself up for it later if needed.

She let go of his hand to pull his face back to hers and kiss him, more passionately than before. He noticed that she'd straightened out the leg that had been resting on his. Straightened it, curled it up again, then settled on leaving it straight. He almost asked her about that, but stopped himself; he didn't want her to think that his asking meant it was -- that dreaded word -- weird. He had no doubt that in time, Ellie would be okay with weird. Might even embrace it.

The next time his hand passed over the inner thigh of her right leg -- the one she was laying on -- she shifted to align her crotch with his hand; rather than move his hand, she essentially used her body to touch it. Still through her panties, at least. He chuckled a little. "All right, then..."

"I like your hand," she said simply.

So sweet. "I like every part of your body," he countered before kissing her eager mouth again. He didn't move his hand much... not while it was directly on her crotch, anyway. He played with her a bit, dusting his fingers over her thighs and ass and even up her back a little before returning to the area. He traced a finger up one panty line and down the other... and no, those ain't shadows... his fingertips brushed her pubic hair. It was softer than he'd expected. A couple of tiny holes in her underwear allowed him to feel it, too. He lingered in these places... imagined sliding a finger in from the side or poking one through a hole, which would of course expand the hole if he wriggled it around some... he could just rip her underwear away altogether...

He may have lingered a bit too long, because she broke their kiss to sort of giggle under her breath. "Um... you like every part? Even... that?"

"What, this?" He trailed his finger along the downy edge -- which felt safer than touching the more centrally-located holey parts of her underwear. Stick to the suburbs... "I sure do."

"Omigod -- how did that -- " She straightened her underwear to hide the hair he was fondling. "You could've told me it was crooked! Wait -- don't take your hand away, though..." She grabbed his hand and returned it to its former place... except not quite so much on the edge as right smack in the middle.

Joel couldn't decide which was more amusing: her outrage at the shifting underwear, or how quickly she recovered from it to ensure that he kept fondling her. "Maybe I should take it away. I might mess up the alignment if I keep it--"

She shut him up with a heated kiss. He nudged her onto her back again, noting that her legs seemed more... well, not quite so rigid, anyway. Every time he grazed her somewhere exciting, she spread them a little; when his hand wandered away, they slackened again. After the third time, she laughed a little. "That's weird, how you do that... like flipping a switch or something."

He thought she sounded a little self-conscious. "That's good. Very normal. Tells me you're enjoyin' it."

"I really, really am," she was quick to assure him. She hugged him closer to her and leaned in to kiss his earlobe the same way she liked him to kiss hers. He reckoned it produced a similar reaction -- he shivered pleasantly, all the way down to his toes. "You can take my underwear off..." she whispered in his ear, and another little ripple of pleasure followed the same path as the first.

He allowed himself a lightning-quick fantasy of doing just that -- taking off her panties... climbing on top of her... then mentally groaned as he extinguished the fantasy. "No can do, kiddo." ...And, fond as I am of that phrase, I should probably stop calling her by that nickname...

"Why not?"

"Well, for one thing, you jus' freaked out when it... when I saw..."

"No I didn't! That's just cuz... well, it looked stupid like that."

"It didn' look stupid. Not like I can see that well in this light anyway, but... it looked... " Enticing. Tantalizing. HOT. Oh, what the hell-- "Hot, is how it looked."

"Yeah, right!"

"It did." It was awfully deviant to have that opinion about a young girl, but he was too far down the perv road to care at this point. "But no, I can't take 'em off."

"Yes you can," she encouraged him. "Or... I can...if you feel like--"

"No." He kissed her pout. "I'm glad you feel comfy an' all, but that's... not a good idea."

"Why not?"

"'Cause... it's not."

"That's not a reason."

"Jus' trust me."

"I do! What if I just..." She started to tug them down, but quite slowly. Like she was just testing him to see if he'd stop her.

Which he did; he quickly covered her hand with his. "Please don't."

"...I'm sorry. Are you mad?" She bit her lip.

Why does she always think I'm gonna get mad at her? He kissed her gently. "Not at all. It's all right."

"Do you wanna stop?" she asked.

He was surprised she would even suggest that. "Only if you do."

"No! No, I don't," she said earnestly. "I just want you to be okay."

"Okay then." They resumed kissing, and his hand wandered over her torso, lingering over her breast.

She broke the kiss to lament, "Sorry they're not bigger."

Joel was a little taken aback; she'd been so eager to take her shirt off, and hadn't said anything of the sort then. He'd already had a pretty good idea of their size before that, since he'd seen her about a million times. Even though she didn't wear clothes that showed off her cleavage, it wasn't like they were completely hidden. And they certainly didn't need to be any bigger. He quite liked the way they filled his hands. "They're plenty big," he told her, shifting down to kiss each nipple.

"Liar."

"I ain't lyin'. They're exactly the size they're s'posed to be."

"Pffffft."

"They are. An' you sure as hell don' need to apologize."

Silence.

"...They're bigger than mine, an' that's all that matters."

Finally, a smile. "Ha. We've already discussed your man boobs -- you don't have any."

"Exactly." He nuzzled her neck and played with the other breast a little. "But I don' know why you think they should be bigger."

"When I lay on my back, they disappear!"

"What?"

"See?!" She demonstrated. "If my arms go up like this..."

The pose reminded him of a ballerina. The way the candlelight bathed her body when she was on her back was... lovely, was the word that came to mind. He chuckled. "That's jus'... gravity or somethin'. Spreadin' 'em out a little. I can make 'em come back..." He leaned over and groped one. "See?"

She giggled. "Okay. As long as you like them..."

"I do." Every part of her body was in perfect proportion. He honestly didn't get why she was self-conscious about it at all -- other than she was female, and females in general seemed to be dissatisfied with their bodies... or, they used to be. It didn't seem like it should be a problem anymore. Ellie's reaction to that ad they'd seen (the one with the thin model) reinforced that notion. It was refreshing that, unlike the teenage girls from his time, Ellie didn't think she was fat. She had the opposite problem: she thought she was too skinny. Which, Joel had to admit, he'd told her a time or two himself, carelessly not even considering how the words might affect her self-esteem. Hopefully he'd counteracted that by praising her for the weight she'd gained in the months since they'd arrived in Jackson (he'd worded it more tactfully than that, although he suspected Ellie might not even have taken offense if he hadn't). She was still small and slender -- she just had a little meat on her bones now, and had a healthy... not-starved look about her. Soft and supple, she was so damn... touchable, and someday, Joel would kiss each and every one of her freckles. Plus all the spaces in between.

First things first. His hand made its way down to her hips, and he didn't make her wait quite so long this time before playing with her panties again. He tentatively slipped his fingers beneath the elastic waistband, making her suck in her breath. He planted soft kisses on her throat as he held his hand there a few moments, resting his fingertips in the soft nest... she seems all right... his fingers slowly slid southward...

Holy shit, she's so fucking WET... Joel hoped he didn't cream his shorts. Then again, that would solve that problem...

He kissed her deeply. Hungry, heated kisses that intensified along with their mutual arousal. She was trying to hug him with her arms, but her legs just seemed to want to stay open... he tried not to look. He could avoid looking and help her hug him without contorting herself if he leaned over her more... by getting halfway on top of her... but the problem with that was it gave him a mighty strong urge to climb all the way on top of her. He felt more comfortable sticking to the sidelines. "Lay back an' relax," he urged her again, nudging her a little with his face... making her turn her head when he kissed her cheek... her jaw... her ear.

" 'kay..." she said, sounding... dreamy.

That's better. She was completely on her back again, loose and languid, seemingly content to just let him do... whatever. He hoped she would finally stop worrying about what she was supposed to do now, as he slowly moved his hand around a little more, enjoying her softness. A finger dipped beneath the curls to caress the tender flesh there. She's so... Jesus fucking Christ... He buried his face in her neck. As if that would help him not 'see' what he was seeing... the unique beauty of her body becoming more and more aroused. When he started to shift his hand upward, she quickly put her hand over his, holding it in place. "Don't! Please... keep doing that..."

He chuckled. "I wasn't goin' far..." But he resumed the tentative stroking in the place that made her 'mmm' a little louder. So hot... so wrong... so very fucking wrong... but so hot...

She started bucking into his hand a little, and he couldn't resist peeking... Christ. She spread her legs even more for him, and again he had himself a nice little fantasy. Someday, he tried to tell his perv-brain.

She suddenly went still. "Is it weird that I want to move, like..."

"No! I like it... it's good you wanna do that." He let his hand rest where it was... his thumb on her clit. SO. WRONG. Maybe his brain was a little confused since she was being erotic one moment and adorable the next. He kissed her temple. "Don' be embarrassed. The way you're... well..." He grunted a little to help get his point across. "It's hot as hell. It, uh... makes me..."

"Oh!" she said happily, eyeing his crotch; he couldn't pretend she didn't notice this time, but she didn't verbalize it, at least... "Right. Okay. So... am I being... sexxyyyy?"

"Yes. Very. Jus' kiss me..."

He slid his middle finger down through the damp curls... damp? More like fucking saturated... the way she was rubbing herself against his hand, he didn't even have to move it much now.

She panted softly into his mouth. "Jesus fuck, Joel, that's... omigod..."

She'd admitted to him before that she'd masturbated 'a few times,' but she wouldn't go into details. He got the feeling she'd never brought herself to orgasm. She claimed that since they'd gotten together, she hadn't done it at all -- because she wanted to save that for Joel. Like with the kisses, earlier -- as if there were a finite number, and they should all be his. He could have told her it was okay to keep touching herself, but, selfish bastard that he was, he rather liked the idea of being the only one to make her come. ...for the first time, at least? And she wouldn't touch herself while he was in the bed anyway -- at least, not outside of his own sick fantasies.

He kept kissing her, and rubbing her... he contemplated slipping a finger inside her, even though he'd mentally ruled that out for this 'step' beforehand. But I didn't know she'd be so wet... He reminded himself that he didn't know if she'd ever done that herself, and thus, wet or not, it might freak her out, or hurt, or at the very least, just not feel good. Too risky for a first experience. Plenty of time for that later. He decided to kiss her neck rather than her mouth so she'd be free to make more noise... those beautiful moaning sounds that his brain was recording for future playback...

And then she was panting a little harder... making sexy little high-pitched "unh!" noises that almost sounded like whining. "You're bein' so sexy right now," he growled huskily into her neck -- in case she didn't already know. She's stopped laughing at herself... she must really be feeling good. So good that she didn't give a fuck, which was exactly the way he wanted her to feel. He gave her neck a gentle nip (he never did it hard enough to leave a tell-tale mark), then bent his head over her chest to take her right nipple in his mouth, kissing it sloppily. Her bucking speed nearly doubled, and he stopped moving his hand... just kept a little pressure there while she pushed against him, undulating beneath his hand and lips like a... like something pretty goddamn fucking HOT. He sucked on the stiff nipple, the way she'd seemed to like best, earlier... she started to moan a bit louder than before, and he knew she was about to explode.

"O-mi-fucking-god, Joel... mmnnnhhh... oh man... oh-man-oh-man-oh-man... ooohhh... ohhhhhh! Oh fuck -- fuck -- uunhh... ahhhhhhh!"

Then she just... flopped, limp as a rag doll. Mission accomplished! Joel rolled her toward him, kissed the neglected other nipple, then hugged her to his chest. He slowly withdrew his hand from her crotch, dragging his fingers upward to dry them on the muff of pubic hair that wasn't involved in the fray below... but he must've spread the wetness some, because it was an ineffective towel. Underwear was better for that -- his own, because using hers would be rude. He didn't say anything; he didn't really need to while Ellie was reveling in what had just happened (and he hoped she didn't notice the quick adjustment he made to his boxers before resting the hand on her hip).

"Joel, that was... the most amazing thing ever. And it wasn't even sex! Holy fucking shit! Like... seriously. Holy. Fucking. Shit. How did you do that? It felt like... like... like it felt so fucking good I didn't know what to do with myself. I was just sort of..." She gasped as she seemed to remember something. "Joel! Are you okay?"

Oh God, is she fucking adorable or what? He smiled. "I'm good."

"Aren't you gonna like... wash your hand?" she asked, suddenly shy again.

"Nope. No need."

"But... eww!"

He chuckled. "It's fine." Next time, I'll lick my fingers -- just to see if it's possible for you to look any more horrified, baby girl.

"And you don't feel... bad? -about doing that?"

"Nope." That would come later, he assumed. At the moment, he just felt immensely pleased that he'd made her come.

"Okay, good." She giggled softly. "How come it wasn't ever like that when I tried it?"

Joel sighed dramatically. "Well, Ellie, that's because I am the only person who can do that for you."

"Oh really? Fuck. Lucky for me that you love me then," she laughed, kissing him.

"Mmhmm. So you're stuck with me, baby girl. Dump my ass, an' you'll never feel like that again."

"Never! That's a long time. I'll never dump you." She snuggled up to him, tucking her head against his neck. "Wow. Just... wow. If I didn't love you before..."

Joel chuckled. "So that's why you had to tell me before we did that. It's more real if I don' have to earn it first?"

"Haha... yeah, I guess. So um... was that okay? Did I... was it, like..."

"More than okay." He stroked her hair idly as he mentally reviewed it all. He might've done a little too much finger-teasing outside of her panties, because he'd hoped to make her feel good for a bit longer than that... but that was on him, obviously. "You were perfect."

"Whatever," she mumbled, his neck absorbing her muffled giggles. Then she must have glanced downward. "Wait! What about you? Can I... can I do that for you?" she asked... rather timidly.

Joel figured she didn't really want to do that, and he didn't really want to let her. At least, his brain didn't, and that was the part he needed to listen to. "Someday," he replied.

"But... well... look at you."

He kissed her forehead. "It'll go away. Always does."

"That's not fair. Why can't I--" She started sliding her hand down his stomach, but he stopped it with his own.

"No. Not tonight. That's... another whole 'step.' I've corrupted you enough for one night."

"That was corrupting me? Fuck, being corrupted is fun. C'mon, Joel..."

He kept his hand over hers. "No," he repeated.

Ellie sighed. "But now I feel guilty."

"That's sweet, but don't. You offered, I said no. C'mon, let's get your shirt back on, you'll get cold..." He retrieved the abandoned shirt and motioned for her to sit up.

She let him help her put it on. Sat there, still as a doll. Got real quiet while he buttoned it up. Sober-like.

"Somethin' wrong?" he asked.

"No."

He waited, but she didn't elaborate. Was she feeling guilty? Even though he'd told her not to, it wasn't like feelings could always be dispelled that easily. "Please don' feel bad, baby girl."

"Can I just see it?" she blurted out.

"See...?" He was pretty sure she meant his dick, but...

"Yeah. You saw me... well, some of me. I won't touch it if you don't want me to."

It certainly wasn't that he didn't want her to... he wanted that pretty bad right now, actually... but he couldn't take advantage of her that way. He felt pretty good about this whole thing right now, but he knew intellectually that he was barely okay with what they'd already done -- and that was only due to the assurance that he was giving her pleasure, not just indulging a sick whim of his. "Ellie..."

"Pleeeeeaaassse? If you won't let me... then it's the least you can do. Please?" she pleaded, kissing his neck, his throat, his chin... when she reached his lips, she looked him in the eye. "Please, Joel?"

I must be crazy. He sighed. "Lookin' only. Don' touch."

"Yay!" She kept planting little kisses on his face until she got him to crack a smile. "I'll be good."

He scooted up so that he was sitting with his back to the wall, pulling her up with him. He could have just poked through the front flap -- he'd almost done it on accident a few times already -- but he figured she deserved a full view, while he was at it. He carefully tugged his boxers down far enough... and cast a sidelong glance at her.

She was staring at it in wonder. "Whoa," she breathed.

Joel wasn't feeling self-conscious, really, but... he did feel like a real skeez. Reminding himself that she'd asked to see it didn't lessen the feeling.

"Does it hurt?" she asked. "For it to be like that, I mean. I know you've said before that it doesn't, but... does it really?"

"No." Unless you count the aching to be inside you...

She stared for a few more moments, then asked, "Can I... look a little closer?"

He relaxed the grip he had on her shoulder. "No touchin'. I mean it, Ellie."

"I know!"

"I need you to listen to me, all right?" he stressed to her anyway. "If you wanna keep... playin'."

"I will!" She scooted down for closer examination. Checked out a few different angles.

Joel couldn't help laughing a little at how studious she looked. "Is it really so... fascinating?"

At least she was behaving, and keeping her hands to herself. "Uh-huh," she said distractedly.

"I know you've seen one before."

"No I haven't!" she cried, scandalized.

"After we left Bill's?" he reminded her. "The magazine?"

"Oh, that? Those weren't real," she scoffed. "I've never seen a real one. I mean, I guess they were real, but they weren't... you know. There. Maybe when I was a kid, I saw one or two. I played with more boys than girls, so like... yeah. Except it wasn't... we were too little to even... That doesn't count, it was just dumb kid stuff. I don't even really remember."

No, the I'll-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours games of childhood weren't quite the same thing as this. "Playin' doctor?" he guessed.

"What?"

"Nothin'. So... just innocent play, huh? Now you're even less innocent 'cause of me..."

"Pfff. Whatever. You think I'm more innocent than I really am."

"If you say so." Joel was pretty sure he had her accurately pegged on the innocent scale. Even if he had to adjust it some, now... but it wasn't like she suddenly seemed so much older and worldly and not-innocent... maybe she'll always be innocent to me.

She straddled his legs, down below his knees this time, thankfully... she was actually straddling his shins. He resisted the urge to remind her yet again not to touch; so far, she had respected his wishes. "So... am I supposed to tell you it's beautiful?" she asked with a grin.

"Ha! I wouldn' believe you if you did. Nothin' pretty about the male body."

"I don't know about that..." She resumed staring at it.

He was grateful she couldn't read his mind right now. She was just sitting there, not doing anything even remotely sexual, but the fantasies that had just danced through his mind... what is WRONG with you, asshole? -You're a sick motherfucker, that's what. And it wasn't exactly helping him go flaccid. "Why don't you come on back up here now." He patted the spot next to him that she'd vacated.

"Can I--"

"No!"

"Jeez, I was only gonna ask if I could help pull your underwear back up." Joel did that himself while she dutifully crawled back up beside him, and he pulled her close. "See how good I was?" she said proudly, smiling.

"Thank you."

"Thank you. God. I'm the one who should be grateful." She settled herself with her head on his chest. "Do you... not want me to touch you cuz... you think I won't do it right?"

"No. I think you'll learn that jus' fine." Maybe a couple years from now, when I finally let you.

"I hope so."

He squeezed her. "Don' worry about it. Scooch down now... let's lie down." He leaned over to blow out the candle, but she stopped him.

"No! Not yet... please? Can we sit just a little while longer and not go to sleep? If I lie down and it's all dark in here I feel like I might actually fall asleep..." Then she mumbled something he didn't quite catch... something about taking twenty or thirty minutes.

"What?"

"Nothing. Can we?" she asked again.

"Nothin' wrong with fallin' asleep. But all right."

They sat there for a couple minutes, mostly silent, cuddling as if they were sitting on Tommy's couch watching a movie, and Joel thought she might actually be about to fall asleep anyway... until she stirred.

"Joel... ?"

"Hmm?"

"What if... it doesn't work?"

"...'it,' meaning...?" Is she worried I won't be able to get it up? After the countless times she'd made him hard, it seemed an odd thing to worry about.

"The sex."

He still wasn't sure what she meant. "It'll work," he said.

"But... you're so..." She looked sheepish again.

This oughta be good. "So... what?"

"Like... big. Down there."

He chuckled. "I don' know about that. I think it's jus' average."

"Really? Average? Um... it's kind of ginormous." She giggled a little. "I mean... is there any way that... maybe like..."

"Like what?"

"Forget it. Maybe it's a dumb question." She leaned in to bury her face in either his neck or his shoulder, but he stopped her from hiding by tilting her chin up... and not letting go.

He gave her a quick peck on the lips. "Jus' ask me. I won' laugh."

Ellie made her "oh really?" face. "Just because you manage not to laugh doesn't mean it's not a dumb question, and I still don't want to be dumb."

"You're not. I want you to ask me things. You know I like answerin' your questions. ...usually," he added the qualifier before she could come up with an example of when he didn't -- typically when the question was extremely personal. Now he just hoped like hell she wouldn't ask him something that would make him want to laugh.

"Okay. Well... I was thinking... lots of people have sex, right? And it's basically the same for everyone -- mechanically-speaking, I mean, cuz like, we all have the same body parts or whatever, and if you're really, um... average... normal... I probably shouldn't even wonder..."

He was already amused by her adorableness. Don't laugh, Joel, don't laugh! "Wonder what?" Though he had an idea of where this was going...

"Okay. So when people shit, it's like this big thing coming out of a small hole, but it's coming from inside... like, a bigger place -- er, it starts big. So I can see how that would... Anyway. If sex is the opposite, then... well..."

"The opposite of takin' a dump?" Shit, this question might make it go soft real easy...

"Yeah! You know. Big thing, small hole... small opening. Maybe the hole is big, but if the opening is small, then..."

"You're worried it's gonna hurt." Maybe he should've waited until now to let her look, when it was only semi-erect.

"I already know it's gonna hurt. But, whatever, that's supposed to go away, right?"

"Right."

"I'm worried that... well... what if you try, and it just won't... you know. Go in?"

Joel didn't laugh -- he could sort of see how the idea might be worrisome to her -- but he did allow himself a wicked grin. "Don' worry about that. It'll go in."

"How do you know?"

"...'cause I know."

"What if it doesn't?"

"It will."

"But if it doesn't?"

"It will! You said it yourself -- we all have the same body parts. It'll fit jus' fine. The, uh... the head... it's designed to..."

"To go in? But what if it still doesn't?"

She just won't let it go. "Then I'll make it fit."

"What, like... just fucking ram it up there?"

Ha! "Yep, that's what I'll do."

She looked horrified. Not even like mock-outraged-horrified... it was more like actual terror.

"Ellie, I'm jus' teasin' you -- of course I won't do that. There's other ways of makin' it fit. That's what I meant."

"...oh." Uneasy little chuckle. "Yeah, I know you were just messing with me."

He turned a little and pulled her into a hug, cradling her head and rubbing her back. "It ain't like we're jus' gonna strip naked, hop into bed, an' bam! I'm inside you." Not that I'd be against it... someday... "That's what foreplay is for. Like what we jus' did. I'll make sure you're ready first."

She thought about that for a moment. "And if it still doesn't fit?"

"It will."

She pulled back from the hug to give him a withering look. "If it DOESN'T! Hypothetically."

"Hypothetically... then..."

"Then you ram it in."

"No!" He chuckled. "No rammin'. If that happens -- which it won't -- then... I guess we wouldn' do it."

She looked at him dubiously. "We wouldn't do it... so after allllll that, all the foreplay and the trying and everything, just... 'oh well, that's that' and... just..."

"Ellie, it ain't gonna happen like--"

"Hypothetically! I don't think I'd want you to just... not. Maybe you should ram it in."

"What?! No. Why do you think I should do that?"

"Because if you don't--" She bit her lip.

"I wouldn't. It'd be fine."

"No! That would mean you could never have sex again -- unless you left me. And I don't... I don't want you to leave, of course, but I shouldn't... want that, for you. To never have sex again."

He groaned exaggeratedly and pulled her to him again. Squeezed her really tight. "I don' care about that. I wouldn' leave you."

"You don't know that, because it hasn't happened. Yet."

So much for hypothetical! He cupped her cheek in his hand and looked her in the eye, trying to think of a way to calm her irrational fears. "All right. Lemme ask you this. Say I'm the one who can't... who has issues. No matter what either of us does to... facilitate things, it don' work. Is that it for you? We're done, you leave me so you can go--"

"Yeah yeah yeah," she interrupted him. "You always flip it back on me like that. But that's way less likely to actually happen in the first place--"

"You sure about that?" He chuckled. "I ain't eighteen no more, as I like to remind you."

"From what I've seen, you do not have that issue," she scoffed.

"Well, maybe it's a similar issue. Maybe... I can get it up, but can't keep it up." That was more frank than his usual manner of speaking with her...

...but she didn't even giggle. "Still not gonna happen!"

"But if it does," he insisted, mimicking her tone from earlier.

She kissed him sweetly. "I wouldn't leave you. I'll never leave you."

"Aww. Thank you, baby girl. That's how I feel about it too, all right? Would you please... not worry?"

"I'll try."

Not good enough. Joel frowned, trying to come up with something brilliant to reassure her. "Think about it this way. We fit together real good in all these other ways. We're s'posed to stick together. You feel that... in your gut, right? You jus' know. You knew it before I did, both times -- together the general way, an' then... together-together. Why would this be any different? Whatever happens with us... it'll be... right. 'Cause we fit."

He wasn't saying it in the most eloquent way, but she seemed to get it. She nodded, then put her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. "Okay. I love you."

It was pretty damn nice to hear, and nice to be able to say it to her now. He gave her another big squeeze. "Love you, too."

"Sorry I get so... ..."

"It's all right. I jus' hate to see your first, uh... experience... ruined by worryin' so much."

"You can say it, Joel -- orgasm." But she couldn't say it herself without giggling a little, Joel was glad to note. She molded herself into his side again. "Are you kidding? Nothing could ruin that! Thank you."

"My pleasure."

"No, my pleasure -- literally!"

Joel often wondered what he'd done to deserve the love of someone like Ellie. He knew they hadn't been together all that long yet, but he believed her 'always's and 'never's. There's still a long way between fifteen and eighteen... eighteen and twenty-five... she could change her mind. She could grow and evolve, and find that she wanted different things as an adult than she did as a kid. Maybe she'd want to have children of her own; Joel was kind of old for that, and by the time she was ready for it, he'd be way too old for that. Maybe she'd want a partner who wasn't so... 'dad'-like. So cautious and protective. So unable to see her as a woman, and not a... lover/daughter hybrid. Joel didn't see how a few years would change that view, when anyone younger than thirty seemed like a kid to him -- and he wasn't getting any younger.

Or maybe all the secrecy would wear on her, before any of that other stuff happened.

He could worry about shit like that later. He was in too good a mood right now: he'd just taken a big step forward, and he hadn't tripped over his own feet.

More importantly, Ellie was safely and happily in his arms, practically purring her contentment. Maybe what he'd done tonight was wrong... but it certainly hadn't fucked her up.


~Continue to Chapter 14~

Tags: fic, tlou, uncertainty
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